Happy Birthday Lia!!!

Because Lia has been graciously endowed with the prolixity of a hard-core blogger enthusiast—and because her station in life leaves her with nothing to do save update her blog and pass her days blissfully with an angel glued to her hip (just ask Jini)—this installment of the Collings family week in review departs from Wednesday rather than the traditional Monday. And so, without further prolegomenizing, we proceed.

Wednesday: Lia and Julia received a surprise visit from Julia’s erstwhile beau, James Chilton, and his mother, Josie. James, still heartbroken over cruel Fate’s separation of him and his well-beloved, brought Julia a fair little Easter purse replete with plastic eggs. Julia, oblivious to the depth of sentiment which animated this romantic gesture, puts the eggs to a crudely pragmatic employment, stuffing them to the hilt with raisins on a regular basis. In the evening, Lia trotted (insofar as one can trot after thirty-eight weeks and more of pregnancy) unsuspectingly down to the Multi-purpose Building for a Relief Society presidency meeting. What was her surprise when she learned that the BYU 34th Ward Relief Society Presidency had been expanded to include a dozen or so of her closest friends from the ward and two of her sisters to boot! And what was her further surprise when she learned that this was no mere expansion of the presidency, but a veritable baby shower with genuine guests, authentic food, and games of bona fide silliness! Lia was absolutely stunned—particularly so since on the Sunday previous she had unmistakably noted that the calendar hanging in the Chapman kitchen announced, deceptively it turns out, in bold, block letters that “LIA’S SHOWER!” was to be held on Thursday evening. Our hats off to the Chapmans for such a successfully misleading gesture. In fact, exhaustive efforts to secure Lia’s surprise included two sets of false invitations—one indicating a shower to be held on Saturday the 18th and another indicating the aforementioned Thursday—and the brilliantly successful efforts of the St. George Suttner women to dupe themselves. Keenly aware of her congenital inability to keep a secret, Mindy employed arcane psychological strategies to convince herself, Kinsi, and perhaps even Chari, that the surprise shower was to be held on Saturday the 25th; if in an unguarded moment thereafter she were to let the cat out of the proverbial bag, it would at least be the wrong bag—perhaps even the wrong cat. The upshot of these Herculean efforts on the part of the event’s organizers to drive themselves and all invitees into a state of irredeemable confusion was the unmitigated surprise on Lia’s face as she stumbled into a party that, according to all reports, was a spectacular success.

Thursday: At approximately 7:02 p.m. three ardent but misled souls arrived at our doorstep expecting to participate in a surprise baby shower; they were treated instead to an hour’s critical discussion of Paradise Lost. Actually, since at least two of the three were in attendance at a surprise shower held the night before, we can conclude with some assurance that at least one individual involved—perhaps Lia—was truly there for the Book Club. While Lia and friends were busily dissecting the greatest epic in the English language, Justin was in anguish as he watched his beloved Duke Blue Devils fall miserably out of the NCAA tournament at the hands of those wretched LSU Tigers. J.J. Redick’s agony was Justin’s own.

Friday: As a long academic week slouched to a close, Justin anxiously prepped himself mentally and emotionally for the mighty 34th Ward Intramural Basketball Team’s first tournament contest. The preparation paid off resoundingly as he drained his first four shots—all three-pointers and all during the first ten minutes of play. On the strength of such gun-slinging, the 34th Ward jumped out to an early lead and never looked back, netting in the end an emphatic victory by the margin of 85-44. In fairness it should be noted that the other team had only four players. Julia extravagantly enjoyed the game as usual, successfully worming her way by turns into the laps of every sister from the ward who was in attendance. In her own special way, Lia enjoyed the game too, managing in an excess of garrulity (a paternal inheritance undoubtedly) to talk right through each of her husband’s early baskets without so much as lifting her eyes to the court. Fellowshipping and magnifying one’s calling as a counselor in the Relief Society presidency are one thing, but such torrential oratory at a basketball game of all places...
After the game we were invited by Shawn and Kate Ballard to share cheesecake and cream soda with them. In part this was to thank Justin for helping Shawn prep for a grammar test in a Business Writing class, but if so we were overly compensated.
Saturday: Lia’s 23rd birthday!!! Justin presented Lia with an inscribed copy of Lytton Strachey’s Eminent Victorians, a mordantly witty—so we are told—quadruple biography of four famous Britons of the later eighteenth century (and lest any of you philistines mock the selection, be it known that this book has long been appreciated and endorsed by no less an authority than one Gordon B. Hinckley). Thoughtful as Justin was, Trevor and Caci tried to one-up him by giving Lia an elegant white jacket that can function doubly as a windbreaker or a rain coat. Lia loved it. Apparently Caci did too, offering with great alacrity to model the jacket so Lia could see what it looks like on a real (i.e. non-nine-months-pregnant) person. In the evening, Jini presented Lia with a $10 gift certificate to Leatherby’s to enjoy a dessert over which she’s raved for the past two months and presented Lia’s daughter with an adorable strawberry blanket, complete with hand-stitched edges. As if this wasn’t enough birthday gift, she was also gracious enough to tend Julia while the birthday girl and her man dined at Ottavio’s and purchased a gallon of coolant at K-Mart. Thus much for the week just ended.