Final Classes, Final Finals

The composition of this post finds us all in good health and good spirits—all that is, except Justin, who suffers from a sore throat and the allergies incident to the season, allergies which seem nefariously to prey upon those of a more bookish bent. But it is the women who rule in this family, so let us not allow this minor exception to undermine the general optimism which launches us forward in this latest installment of the Week in Review.

But first an apology to our disappointed readers who looked in vain for last week’s installment. At some point toward the end of last week, the malignance of the stars made itself manifest in an astrological alignment which portended disaster for our hapless and aging laptop. On Friday evening (the 14th as it happens, not the 13th), disaster struck. In yet a further incarnation of the inscrutable specter that is the mystery of technology, the scissor-bearing sisters that hold in their hands the fates of men and computers sliced the thread that marked the times and seasons of our poor computer’s life. It died instantly. We console ourselves only with the thought that it did not suffer (though we can’t be entirely sure of that), and thank Jini for providing this replacement, allowing us by her beneficence to quiet the anxiety of our readership, whose desperate cries for a further post have not fallen on deaf ears. Like the priests of King Noah of old, we send out our fair daughters to seek pardon for our offenses.

Monday (4/17): The alignment of the stars that ruthlessly slew our late computer plagued Provonians generally by driving an Alaskan storm front over our erstwhile Happy Valley. The result was a veritable blizzard that progressed in crescendo through the course of the day. Justin trotted happily to school early in the morning, before calamity struck, donning only a t-shirt and jeans (it was, after all, the ripping seventeenth of April!). When his last class ended shortly after 5 in the evening, the ground was covered by several inches of snow with more on its way. The kind interposition of a classmate provided him with a much-needed ride home.

Meanwhile his stalwart family at home braved the cruel storm and made their grueling way to the grocery store for some customary purchases (Lia was totally ignorant of the storm until she found herself beneath it, with a toddler and infant in tow). By some weird accident of chance, each time during the course of the day that Eli began to whimper or cry, Julia herself erupted in similar cries of distress, often climbing into Lia’s lap, throwing her arms around her mother’s neck, and intransigently refusing to remove herself from that position. Patient Lia was mildly irritated.

Tuesday (4/18): Today was Justin’s final day of classes as a student at the BYU. As the climax to years of hard work and rich intellectual inquiry Justin walked solemnly into a BYU classroom for the last time. Only the classroom was really a gym, and his final class was that great monument of Western cultural achievement: basketball. This anti-climax was compounded by the fact that Justin shot disastrously and his team lost miserably. At least anti-climax does have the salubrious effect of banishing nostalgia.


Wednesday (4/19): A final’s reading day during which Justin showed his devotion to his family by blissfully sleeping through the traditional Elders Quorum Reading Day Basketball Bonanza. He also neglected his studies entirely, with the brief exception of an afternoon study group. In more momentous news, Eli had her first experience bathing (that is, being bathed) in a bathinette. Eli celebrated the occasion by screaming without reprieve as her unsympathetic parents looked on in affectionate adoration. During Julia’s bedtime ritual, while Justin read Great Expectations aloud and Lia held Eli lovingly, Julia furtively rummaged through the bottom drawer of her dresser, only to emerge donning three pairs of tiny panties tugged awkwardly over her pajamas. “Panties!” she beamed contentedly, “Blue panties!” We also learned that Julia had spent the day in hidden acts of charity, leaving surprise after surprise in her baby sister’s crib. When Eli’s bedtime rolled around we found her crib to be littered with three Halloween cookie cutters, the shade to Eli’s nightlight, a bulb syringe, and other effects. Both Julia and Eli were excited by the arrival, via their Aunt Jini, of an immensely cute picture frame bearing the engraving “Sisters” and anxiously awaiting a photo of the two prettiest girls in the galaxy.

Thursday (4/20): Eli suffered through the unqualified worst day of her short life. Her morning feeding was interrupted by a trip to the Student Health Center for a two week check-up. Repeated measurements by a doctor and multiple nurses confirmed the reality of Eli’s macrocephalic inheritance from her Collings forebears (her head measurements were off the charts), leaving the unwitting medical personnel with concerns about brain tumors and Lia cursing her husband’s capacious cranium. Julia stayed home and played with Justin while Eli was relentlessly pricked, poked, and prodded. Eli returned home only to have her noontime feeding interrupted by the arrival of Lia’s and Julia’s lunch guests—Lia’s good friend, Josie Chilton, and Julia’s erstwhile beau, James Chilton. Thereafter, Eli’s nap was interrupted by the arrival of her aunt, Jini, who came mercifully bearing the aforementioned replacement laptop. Far from being screamed at for disrupting their peaceful slumber, Lia and Eli fed Jini lunch. Another of Eli’s feedings was interrupted by the convocation of the Relief Society Book Club during the evening. The group discussed Arthur Henry King’s Arm the Children and tried their best to deflect the period assaults of Julia, who was making a guest appearance, upon the various infants in attendance. While Justin was at the library frantically reeling off a final paper for his Canadian literature class, there devolved upon Lia the unenviable task of putting Julia and Eli to bed by herself. Once more, Eli’s feeding was interrupted by Lia’s having to hoist Julia into her crib. Eli finally settled to bed around 11:30, wondering after a day like this what all that premortal “shouting for joy” (Job 38:7) was all about.

Friday (4/21): Eli’s dismal Thursday was followed on Friday by the special treat of receiving a PKU test. She screamed in protest but nevertheless slept through the whole affair. After the visit to the doctor, the three ladies piled into the Big Blue Bull and made their way to Macey’s, or “The Popcorn Store” as Julia calls it in affirmation of the success of Macey’s latest promotional gig. While Lia was checking out and Eli was sleeping, Julia took her free Smarties, free popcorn, and fled through the motion-sensitive front doors. A kindly clerk made a mad dash after the errant child and retrieved her. The Macey’s adventures were followed by a trip to Grandma Patti’s house to pick up Eli’s baby blessing dress. Later in the day, Grandma repaid their visit, bringing Julia and Eli a package from their Uncle Dan and Aunt Rosalyn, the contents of which included a darling little 3-piece cherry outfit for Eli and a volume of Beatrix Potter nursery rhymes for Julia, as well as some photos of their dashing cousin, Andrew.

Saturday (4/22): Justin took finals for his Doctrine and Covenants and Italian Civilization classes. He also got a head start on his summer project of basking in the prolixity of meaty novels by diving headlong into War and Peace on his way to and from the places of examination. The finals went well, and perhaps Justin could have cared less after all if they hadn’t. But it doesn’t seem likely. The three dames of the household spent much of the day out of doors, relishing the bright sun of the hottest day of the young year. In the afternoon, they helped Julia’s friend, Isaac Sparks, celebrate his second birthday. Julia took little more than a bite out of two separate ice cream sandwiches, leaving the rest to the disposition of her reluctant mother. It is a great trial indeed for a mother to devour the sweets her child simply will not have. A kind ward member, the mother of Julia’s bosom friends Joseph and Jacob Jeffrey, brought us some delectable lasagne (“lasagna,” as you ignorant Americans write it, refers to a single noodle) for dinner. In the evening we were visited by Jordan Johnsen (Justin’s longtime friend and crony from his days in the MTC and the ghettoes of Milan) and his wife, Alison. At one point Lia, with a veritable flourish of social grace, took Eli into a back room to feed her, did so, and then fell promptly asleep, never to return during the course of the evening. Justin explained awkwardly to the guests that Lia had missed her nap that day. Shortly after midnight, with the guests long since departed, Lia emerged from the bedroom in a sleepy state of happy confusion to interrupt Justin’s scripture study with the surprising declaration that she had fallen asleep. Who could have known?